Aries tango dancers have ramlike eyebrows. They also have smug expressions, but should not, because they constantly clunk into other dancers. They despise slow couples, and will often flick them with a well aimed stiletto. An Aries rarely says one thing and does another; they usually do the wrong thing and don’t discuss it. Do not point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries make good milonga dancers are they are too breezy and light-hearted to take tango seriously. They skip gaily and dance traspie exceptionally well.
Aries followers dance well with Piscean leaders because Pisces dancers make them feel well-grounded. Aries dancers hate dancing with Scorpios, who take pride in being even more self-centered.
Favourite orchestra: Sassone.
Taureans are brooding emotion incarnate.
If you’re a Taureian leader, you are Tango Marmite – ladies either love you or hate you. One minute you’re up, the next you’re down, simply because the key has gone from major or minor. You’re very earthy, which may mean that you don’t shower very often. Strangely, this may be attractive to some ladies.
If you’re a Taureian follower, you want to be God on the dance floor. You dance to be seen and admired, so your execution of adornos and figures is usually immaculate. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. The couple with a traffic jam behind them at the milonga is likely to have a Taurean follower and a Libran leader.
Taureans love conflict. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. So after completely halting the line of dance, they will then overtake whenever possible.
Favourite orchestra: D’Arienzo
Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You are very musical but cannot decide whether you want to dance with the rhythm, the melody, or the cadencia. Beginner followers will hate you, intermediate followers will love you, but experienced tangueras will despise your lack of consistency.
Geminis generally don’t make good tango dancers because it takes two to tango and three’s a crowd.
Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe their tango experiences. They make very good bloggers (If you like that sort of thing) Gemini tangueras will have twice as many Comme Il Fauts as other ladies.
The Gemini is essentially a paranoid Aquarius.
Favourite orchestra: Tanturi and Campos
You like to know what’s going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy, or at least the milonga. You will probably talk through most of the first song of a tanda to get the latest trivia.
Cancer followers are sublime, as their dancing is, well, on automatic. Other leaders will have a lovely time and feel they have a wonderful connection, until you listen to the music, then it will be like changing into second gear whilst driving at 90 mph on the motorway; there will be a horrible crunch and a lot of shuddering. But you are used to this and you have a long list of excuses for dancing going from sublime to crap in the space of a tanda. Mostly your new CiFs get the blame.
Cancer dancers wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. Cancerians claim to be “tactful”. The word for this is actually “shiftless”. Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home (these friends are usually Pisceans). Cancerians are never invited to parties.
Favourite orchestra: Not particular but you favour Guardia Vieja; anything prior to 1947.
You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. This means that you will never feel the tango connection as you are too busy trying to impress and secure your partner for the next tanda by displaying bravura dancing. Enrosques and lapis are classic Leo moves.
All Leos want special dances on their birthdays. In fact they will invent birthdays if they visit a milonga where no-one knows them.
They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can’t find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks.
Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls.
Favourite orchestra: Joe Loss and Victor Sylvester.
You are a pain in the posterior. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word “Virgo”. Virgos are stylistically incompatible with other tango dancers -for example, if they dance Villa Urquiza; they won’t dance normal salon. The Virgo embrace has to be ‘just-so’ and the first song of the tanda is often made making adjustments to their partner.
Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe tango concepts and love going to workshops with pretentious titles.
Favourite orchestra: Edgar Donato
You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can’t make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable.
Librans constantly worry about what other people think. If they really paid any attention, maybe people would like them more. Libras use the I Ching to determine their improvisation technique, then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran cannot decide if they prefer nuevo or traditional, but will taking the opposing view out of habit.
They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in charity shops. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t.
Favourite orchestra: Lomuto
You believe codigos should be observed by all, except you. Tango was made for Scorpios… the intensity, the just below the surface tempest of smouldering passion. It takes a long time for scorpios to become good at tango since they’re too arrogant to take instruction, but learn well autodidactically.
Scorpio followers use the cabaceo…. like a light sabre. They’ll do a little cabaceo, ostensibly, then blank the leader who walks over to them, just to humiliate him.
Scorpios use expletives to describe tango concepts. Scorpio leaders will wait like a hawk on the wing for the right woman and the right music- mostly Pugliese or Una Emocion, then drop like a stone on their prey / partner. The rest of the time their dancing is lacklustre as they are all-or-nothing people but they treat the milonga floor as a chess board making sure they are seen by the right woman, and cabaceoing her whilst dancing but not making a move until the moment is exactly right.
Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke.
Favourite orchestra: Pugliese and Piazzolla’s Escualo; they would dance to Ride of The Valkyries, or Danse Macabre if anyone played it.
Sagittarians are experience-hunters, in search of authenticity. They are the typical and ideal tango tourist in BsAs. They are below average tango dancers, but will take every opportunity to tell their friends about the great time they had at the Confiteria Ideal, The Sunderland Club….. and name dropping ad infititum.
Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. They are tango sluts. They will dance with anyone, no matter how bad. They ignore the codigos as they are desperate to spend every minute dancing and consequently spend a lot of money on taxi dancers. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces.
Favourite orchestra: Orchestra Tipica Victor ( because its the only orchestra they remember)
Capricorns are the best vals dancers being strongly allied to Pan, Fauns and having strong Bacchanalian traits. They despise crowded milongas as this severely hampers their swirling lyrical style of dancing.
A Capricorn follower with a Scorpio follower is like watching Two Elementals; they complement each other, but it doesn’t work the other way round (a Scorpio follower wont deign to be lead by a …mere goat…)
Favourite orchestra: Canaro of course
The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto.. Tango is just another excuse. The ladies are prone to dressing up in the latest Burlesque fashions and the men are the most likely to know the latest moves, and regard golden age music in much the same way as Vampires regard garlic.
Favourite orchestra: Gotan, Bajofondo, narcotango
Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. They long to be Bohemian and Chique but usually look like the bottom of a rummage sale. They model their dancing on Isadora Duncan and are heavily into self expression.
Piscean men as leaders they are rather good at flowing movements but need light sylphlike followers in order to dance well. For them tango is an Art Form with inverted commas and capitals. Most admire Julio Bocca than any of the crusty old milongueros.
Favourite orchestra: Piazzolla, darlings.
Border TangoMan, 9th September 2011
Thanks go to Border TangoMan – David Bailey
You can find more about David on his web site: